Sunday, December 28, 2014

Pray: Crossroads

I have come to realize that most of the things I write about are the things that keep me up at night. It is not until I write them out that I can finally let it all go....at least until my anxious heart finds something else to think about. There has been a particular memory on my mind, and of course it's something from the mission field. I'll start from the beginning.
It was my first time training a new missionary. I was a mess, while still completely holding it together. I was at the end of my rope. I was done. I felt like I had been beat up, thrown down a couple flights of stairs...and then hit by a bus. I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I was trying to do my best at hiding these feelings from my new greenie companion- I was the trainer after all- I was supposed to be showing her how wonderful missionary work is, and that I wanted nothing more than to run people down to tell them the good news. Something that was brought to my attention from a number of companions is that I have a wonderful talent of building walls and not letting people in- I'm still working on that. My greenie was well acquainted with such a wall- I certainly didn't think she needed to deal with anything I was going through when she was just new out.  Anyways, trying to just keep my head above water, being a good example to my companion, I was failing miserably at hiding all these things. It was by far the time on my mission that I was most ready to go home- had a plane touched down and welcomed me aboard I would have been home in a little over 6 hours. So this is where the crossroads comes in, not in where you would think, there is no way I ever would have gone home early....but the moment arrived where Sister Training Leaders came to what they thought was "the rescue". They pulled me aside to talk to me alone, and basically ripped me apart and told me that I didn't love my companion enough. There was really no concern for what I was feeling or going through-I remained stoned face and didn't fall apart until I was in the car.  I went home bawling that night. If I was ready to quit before their "rescue" I was over the edge after that. I was so angry and overwhelmed. I could have handled it all better, as they could have. I can remember my study the morning after this particular evening. I was at a crossroad. I said to myself- this can be a moment that destroys you or builds you- but YOU have to chose. This decision is what really began to change me. I came to realize that the only thing that mattered was what Christ thought of me. He knew my struggles and I could rely on him to overcome those imperfections.
You chose your direction.
You've got to find a direction, and then find people who are going in the same direction. 

That's all for now,

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